Saudi Arabia Jeddah Weddings
I was approached, a couple of months ago by a media company, about the wedding video I made for my cousin’s wedding. The company makes documentaries and would like to make a documentary about modern day Saudi couples in Jeddah getting married. They were, in my opinion, too optimistic, but then again I am a few years older than the major marrying demographic, so I might be a little out of touch with how things are and how willing people would be to participate in such projects.
What they would like to do is follow and video 10 couples from the beginning (when they meet) to the wedding day… I am not sure if this would be Saudi Bridezilla 
they want to video both the men and the women and document as much as they can.
I felt like it would be a good idea to put this info up in a post and to get some feedback. The following are some of the traditional/customary things that might happen and how a man and a woman get hitched.
Bear in mind that the process I have here is mostly what goes on in Jeddah, “Saudis” as lumped by the media (and some blogs claiming to be “The Authority” on everything Saudi), are not one entity.
The following is the process I shared with the media company. What they sent me I have italicized, what I added is in regular font.
Saudi Arabia
Notes for the Engagement
Unveiling Ceremony (شوفة – shawfa): This applies more to very religious families, and those in Riyadh and the Nejd. The families get together, and the woman unveils. The couple sit together with their families. They can then agree to the marriage, having met.
The shawfa, which means “the seeing” is a way for both to see each other. Some families which are more tribal do not let this happen (as the Shawfa is an Islamic thing to do). In recent times it is a way for the two to sit and talk, it is more than just a seeing, it is more a meeting of the two to see if they click and are on the same wave length. There are a few writers who made little booklets that advise on “what to ask and expect” during that meeting. If there is a mutual attraction they continue to talk on the phone or meet again. There is more to it that this… and of course less, and each family could have a different thing going on.
Engagement Contract (ملكة/نكاح – Milkah/Nikah (: There are two small-scale parties, one for men one for women. At the men’s party, the groom the bride’s father sign the contract to make the marriage legal. There is a reading from the Qur’an. The engagement party is a small affair with close family.
The signature to make the marriage agreement legal is that of the bride and not her father, but for show (i.e. for the people present) the father signs, but it is as the guardian (similar to giving away one’s daughter at a Church I guess). The Mimlik is a government approved marriage (not sure what the word is but agent comes to mind). Both bride and groom can go and get their marriage recognised at the government office, but this is more customary and traditional. The Mimlik says a few words, reads a little Qur’an, says a couple prophetical sayings from prophet Mohammad, and prays for both the bride and groom, asks the father of the bride to say that he agrees that his daughter marries the guy and the guy agrees that he will marry her and cherish her and all that. The mimlik is given a fee for his services of course (a video I found on YouTube of a Mimlik earning his pay).
That is me in black at the Holy Mosque in Makkah
This would take place with many family members, relatives, and friends from both families witnessing this, but only two need to sign the marriage agreement as witnesses. They then congratulate each other. Dates, coffee, and sweets would be going around, and there would be dinner afterwards.
On the same days as the Engagement Contract, there’ll be the shabka (شبكة) at which the dowry will be presented, and the bride will be given her engagement ring, and various gifts of jewellery.
Sometimes it takes place on the same day, other times it takes place at another day, weeks or months later, it is very difficult to coordinate with all the men engaged in the men’s part of the milkah to drive the women and help with all the necessary arrangements.
Dowry: The dowry (or bride-price مهر) is an important part of marriage negotiations. The average dowry is around 100, 000 Riyals (c.£17,000), though the poor may keep it around 20,000 Riyals (c.£3000), and the very rich may go for up to 400,000 or 500, 000 Riyals. (£85,000). The dowry is paid in money, rather than gold or sheep. Cheques, cash, bank transfers etc, are all acceptable. The size of the dowry is related to the influence and wealth of the girl’s family; the more beneficial it will be to the reputation of the boy’s side the more money they will ‘pay’ to the girl. In Islam, the dowry becomes the bride’s own property.
It is not unusual for men to marry their cousins. This can reduce the dowry substantially, because she’s family. [is this right?].
The dowry in Jeddah/Makkah/Medinah was never negotiated, if he and his family are wealthy then the dowry would be around the +100K riyals, but the average is around half of that. It also includes things that are not monetary like gifts of gold, perfume and incense and other things. Some rural areas also include cows and sheep as part of the dowry, but I never witnessed this.
As for cousins… I am not sure as I have no firsthand experience (nor do I have any relatives that married a cousin), but a friend of mine (who is tribal) married a cousin (a 2nd or 3rd degree cousin) said that his tribe had put a cap on the dowry, as it had been a problem in rural areas that dowries were too much to pay.
Thombra [is this the right word?] : A traditional party for the girl, where her friends come round and apply henna – the groom can come at the beginning for photos but then he needs to leave. This kind of Henna Party (حفلة الحنة – haflat al-henna) is not very common in Saudi Arabia (more so in the UAE and Kuwait) but the bride will prepare herself in advance; manicures, pedicures, facials, make-up. [If a bride doesn’t have a henna party, how does she prepare herself for the wedding?]
Ghumra/Ghumrah is a henna night that is no longer a henna night, as girls no longer like the smell of henna (it is like the queen’s birthday in Australia, which is a public holiday, but not the queen’s actual birthday) Yes the groom can come for the pictures. It used to be the day to get all made up by her friends, but now with all the modern/hip/chic saloons with specialists in all that is womanly… I do not think most would trust their friends to do them up. Ghumras can be like theme parties and are more like a costume party these days for the younger generation, and each can bring old traditions from where their family originated (Bedouin, Indian, Moroccan, themes come to mind).
There is no such thing as a men’s event as in other parts in the Middle East like Turkish baths and such, nor are there bachelor parties, but now many men’s salons do grooming of grooms and have specialized packages.
Bridal Shower: Where friends of the girl will traditionally give the girl lingerie and things for her new house. [Does this happen a lot or is it just for the richer families? With both this and the henna party, if they are just for richer / modern families, is there something that other families will do in their place?]
Bridal showers are gaining ground I guess due to the influence of movies and westernization. However, gifts by relatives and friends are given before, during, and after the wedding, as always.
Wedding Party (حفلة الزفاف – hiflat al-zaffaf): What we understand to be the Wedding is actually the women’s party. The men might have a party the day before, but during the actually wedding day, the Groom will attend the women’s party (the women will have to cover themselves for this) and take photographs with his wife. Then the Groom will leave to meet his friends and male relatives, they don’t tend to have a big party with dancing, but they will probably have dinner. At the party, women will take off their veils and dance, but men the do not commonly dance.
In some families, men will do traditional sword dances. Others may not. Meccan families often have an hour or so of entertainment with drumming and traditional dancing.
Big Weddings are quite popular nowadays. Big weddings will have as many as 400 or 500 guests. Sometimes even up to a 1000. In Riyadh and Qasim it is traditional to have big wedding parties. The girl’s side will book the venue, the boy’s side will come and photographs will be taken of the couple together, the boy’s side then leave so the girl’s side can celebrate, and they return a few hours later to eat together and cut the cake together. The boys go off and have their own party during that time. Weddings usually happen late at night starting at 10pm and carrying on until 3am / 4am. Some will have a mixed wedding, but this is rare.
As you have seen my video, this is something that was traditional and used to happen a lot, but for some reason it stopped for many years… now it is gaining ground, and almost everyone is doing it. What used to happen is the groom and his family and friends would walk from his neighbourhood to that of the bride, and all along there would be a “Jisees“, chanting and singing poems that say how wonderful it all is, and the groom and his family are the best and they are going to the best house and getting the prettiest girl from the best family… this was of course when cities were small in size. Now the Jisees has a big band with different packages (number of songs, dances, dancers…etc)
Clothes: The groom will wear traditional Saudi dress: white thobe ثوب (robe), white ghutra غترة (headdress), with ‘iqal عقال (black or golden round where did u get this? Lawrence of Arabia is no longer in fashion! thing to keep ghutra on), and often a meshlah/bisht مسلح/بشت (brown or black (other colors like gray and offwhite are also in fashion. gowny coat). Meccan men might choose to wear the Meccan ‘ammamah عمامة(yellow/orange turban), with a thobe-like garment, and sometimes a waistcoat. The bride usually wears a white European-style wedding dress.
Honeymoon: Most rich couples (and those that can afford to take a BIG loan from a bank) go on honeymoons to Europe/the Americas. The middle classes tend to go to places like Egypt or Singapore, and poorer sections of society often honeymoon within the kingdom, some even in their own home city.
Honeymoons are up to the individuals. Some rich people may choose to stay in the Kingdom and some poor people take loans from banks and go on extravagant vacations.
Timespan: In regards to how quickly they get married, it really depends on the couple. Some people will get married quickly, others will get engaged and then wait until they have finished their studies, or if they are moving outside of Saudi Arabia they might need to prepare things abroad and so on.
Usually there is between one and six months between engagement and weddings;
More like six months to a year or more…
The men of the groom’s side and the brides side get together for the engagement party, where they have dinner and the engagement is announced
There a two wedding seasons: February – June (the cooler months) are when the rich / some of the middles classes get married. During the hot summer months the rich tend to travel out of the country.
June – September: The middle classes and those below tend to get married in the hotter months.
I would love to hear your comments on this one, and if you could answer the poll, that would be great 
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Hello,
I’m new here, and I just meant that I read this blog every day for some weeks already. I discovered it by chance, and I like the way the subjects are handled, and obviously the information contained inside each. I so learn to know the country, and for that, I thank you because I find that you are a good ambassador.
Thank you very much for your nice words
Ah, for once I am in the majority on an opinion poll!
This is a wonderful post, with great links and photos, to help others understand the marriage process and what a walima might be like, especially since this information is rarely presented in such a well-organized and well-described fashion.
I was impressed by your analogy to the Judeo-Christian tradition of the father giving the bride away, since many Westerners see the Islamic ceremony as much less protective of women’s rights whereas they are highly analogous. This is especially true given that the bride’s own signature is required to make the marriage contract legal. The traditions and legalities in fact derive from the same Abrahamic source.
I like the juxtaposition of what the documentary people found and what you added. I hope they take your comments under advisement. As for feasibility, I would imagine that the type and degree of access to a family’s personal celebrations would be the biggest challenge in making this documentary, but since others have done somewhat similar things with other aspects of Saudi life, I think they will eventually manage. Good luck to them.
Thanks for sharing this aspect of Saudi life!
Chiara, as always your comments add and enrich my posts, and for that I will always be thankful
I would like to see it happen, but we will see. I just wish more people would answer the poll
boy side, girl side
as much you wrote is true,
but the other side in Riyadh and here in the eastern province,
I have been to many weddings and most 85% of the time is BORING!
the other 15% are fun wedding and all are in Jeddah or Makkah,
I now pass on any wedding, unless invited personally
you never know it’s a wedding.
weddings and 3aza are almost the same >.<
but women do have all the fun ^.^
thats why we do our weddings in Egypt ^.^
all family in one hall ^.^
you might remember a tash ma tash show few years back, addressing the issue how it's fun in Jeddah, and how lame and boring it is in Riyadh as one person mistook the wedding for 3aza lol.
great post with loads of information loved it
keep up the good work
cheers
Majid, thanks for linking again, I remember that episode
it was one of the memorable ones.
Thanks for sharing your experience also, it is never just one thing or one way. So do you think you might know people willing to participate in the documentary?
Good luck with your endeavor trying to stay a bachelor
maybe,
depending who are approaching to participate,
Have you been to an Islamic wedding???
where there is a Shaik would say few words then there are some quiz question with cool gifts.
I have nothing agenst it, it’s there wedding after all but to me a wedding is something to celebrate.
there are many ways of weddings, my friend just got married and there was only female wedding, first to cut down cost plus he said, we men do nothing the come greet,eat and leave!
I guess most people with “BORING” weddings won’t do it.
I forgot to mention wedding in South of Saudi are great fun too
PS:staying a bachelor is a great thing for me at least
cheers
I have been to an Islamic wedding, but there was no Q&A there
Hi Qusay,
There’s the tradition of splitting the wedding into two days “Dukhla” (Night of Entry *snicker*) and “Sabha” (the morning after *snicker*), which is something I’m glad is dying out!
Thanks for the addition M
and welcome to the blog 
SaudiJawa is finally in the house 
Amazing post! And a great read! As a photographer, I end up in a lot of weddings but its great to read about what goes on before them.
One thing that I’ve heard about though, but you may not have mentioned, is the khtoobah. I hear its something like an engagement but not an official marriage contract. The couple will do what western society would consider ‘dating’ at this point but the families are aware, and in some cases, supervising.
Thanks for adding that, Yes, the khootoba period, the one between the shawfah and the milkah, as you said, sometimes it is supervised, sometimes it is free, and sometimes it is phone only, and sometimes it is none existant.
Oh NidalM, I wait for the day your Amee wins
and we hear about how it is done in your family, with better pictures, my picture was from a first gen mobile phone with a cam… they were illegal back then.
Brilliant post. I really enjoyed reading it. Although I lived in Riyadh for the first 18 years of my life, I never attended a Saudi wedding. Palestinian weddings are extremely different, though I’m guessing that tribal Jordanian weddings are more similar. I guess these days, the differences regionwide are often urban versus Bedouin.
I doubt they will be able to get a very interesting documentary, these things are veiled in privacy
Thanks Roba and welcome to the blog miss itoot lady.
Thanks for adding your input, traditions and customs differ from region to region even thought the distances between them is relatively small, I was told even the Bedouins have different things going on
Well, I do think they are optimistic, but I’ve lived long enough to be surprised more than once and saw things that I never thought would happen
gr8 post, but as you said in the beginning of it, Saudi isn’t made of one entity, and marriage is one big personal decision.
a documentary about marriage in “Saudi”, will not be possible, coz the people who would agree on appearing in it, will not represent “Saudi”.
the mentioned stages of marriage are not set in stone, some would add more stages, some would stick to the basics (shofa: which is done when the groom is acceptable to the bride’s family, Grayat Fat7a/Engagement announcement, Milka, and Wedding)
Bridal showers are part of Ghumra, and the Dowary is part of the Milka, Shabka is usually a gift given to the bride after seeing her signaling the groom’s approval and his desire to make her his wife.
Clothes are changing a bit, some brides don’t wear white but pastels on their wedding parties, and their clothes on the Milka party is very colorful.
After the Milka, the speed with which a new home is put together is the defining factor, usually 6 months to a year is how long it takes to find a suitable home and furnish it. If the new house is available, or the couple are traveling for studies abroad, then the time span is shortened.
Duha, thanks
as I said, there is always more and always less, thanks for adding all the things.
Representing Saudi is another thing in my opinion, those who might choose to be in a documentary like this (if it will happen) will represent themselves.
Thanks again
I hope you live with your wive always happy
Thank u
Hello,
Just came across your blog today. A very informative post. I just wanted to point out that Dowry is the total opposite of Mah’r – the bride-price.
Dowry is the money, goods, or estate that a woman brings to her husband’s household in marriage.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dowry
Looking forward to reading more of your posts. Keep them coming.
AK
Thanks Namnai,
Well, Dowry in this post meant the Mah’r + other things
And I understand Mah’r could mean a bride price (i.e. being payed to the parents) but in our culture it is the sole property of the bride not her parents… not saying that is does not happen in other parts of Saudi or in Jeddah also, but I have not come across families who do/practice that.
Thanks again
Enjoyed this! Great information. Thank you!
U R welcome Susanne, and thank u 2
Hi,
Have been following your blog for quite some time – always found something of interest.
You mention in this post that Saudi women typically wear European style wedding gowns at the wedding party. I’m wondering about the origin of this particular trend – especially when the men still dress in traditional outfits.
Do women in rural areas also dress this way? Or is it more common in the cities?
Curious Fasihonista, I have no idea
but I might see what I can find. Thanks
What a GREAT post. I learned a lot of new things. Being in UAE the weddings are basically the same. I’ve been to more weddings in the three years living here, than in my life living the the states. The weddings are always so nice and I love to see the women dancing and celebrating. The more Islamic ones, don’t have music. But, I’ve been to more that have had the music blaring. *ouch* my ears. All in all, I think a lot of the gulf weddings are the same. Thanks again!
Texan in UAE,
Thanks for commenting and welcome to the blog
there are subtle differences in how things are done, or what comes before what and such 
Qusay,
Honestly, I applaud you for speaking openly about so many current and important issues in saudi society. You really ‘hit the nail on the head’! As to whether this idea is viable, personally, I think its definitely worth a try because if it does succeed, it will enrich our knowledge about our own society. Although I can forsee many obstacles, especially among more traditional families. Sorry, I’m focusing and speaking about society so much, but I am studying sociology and criminology at uni (my final year
), and I’ve noticed a lack of social research in and about Saudi Arabia, and this is a promising start! We really need to explore our society much more, as its so complex.
Another old tradition, especially among Hijazis (I’ve seen this in the depths of Makkah lol), is the ‘Khattaba’, which is basically a woman that almost sets up a couple (in a respectful way), she tends to tell the men about respectable single women e.g. she sets up the ‘shawfa’. Thats what I heard at least, correct me if I’m wrong.
Please keep us updated on this project.
Keep up it up man
Yara
Thank you very much Yara for the nice comments and for adding some good info
Great post! I’d like to volunteer myself to be documented. I must now find a groom. Haha.
Curious Fashionista: Yes, even in rural areas, this is how women dress, especially with the younger set. The elders tend to wear the traditional party thobes and jallabiyas for women. It’s really much like the abaya culture here; they wear the traditional abaya when they are out, but “normal” clothes under the abayas.
OK, so we have our first volunteer
LOL
Thanks Diana
I am working in Riyadh off and on for last seven years and always found the Saudi Society information wanting. It is nice to see a developing e forum where information could be read, understood, misconception cleared etc etc.
What amazes me is that when I am in UAE, even the locals harbour lots of misconceptions and when told that KSA is a place worth living and exploring, then they find it a refreshing!
Well, that says a lot about an imortance of becoming sort of a de fecto brand , I mean, country ambassador.
Thanks yajnas
Applause! This is a really GREAT post. I just returned from KSA 3 days ago after conducting umrah and I got very interested on the Saudi culture, which seems very confidential. I browsed for some information on how the people in Saudi get married and you helped a lot. I gained a lot of information which comes from local citizens through your blog. Please keep posting cultural matters regarding Saudi, since that would help many to understand more of the Saudi culture. Thanks again!
Thanks Aisyah, thank you very much
Thanks for the explanations about what really happens when people get married here in KSA.
As far as filming a documentary about the Saudi marriage process, I seriously doubt that they would be able to find 10 couples (heck, I doubt they could find even one couple!) here who would be willing to appear on camera for the duration of a project like that. Considering that most Saudi women wear niqab out in public, and then what they wear to the milka and the wedding, there is no way that a camera would be allowed inside anyway. Dream on.