Mar 22, 2010

Saudi Arabia Jeddah Weddings

Qusay Culture 45 Comments

I was approached, a couple of months ago by a media company, about the wedding video I made for my cousin’s wedding. The company makes documentaries and would like to make a documentary about modern day Saudi couples in Jeddah getting married. They were, in my opinion, too optimistic, but then again I am a few years older than the major marrying demographic, so I might be a little out of touch with how things are and how willing people would be to participate in such projects.

What they would like to do is follow and video 10 couples from the beginning (when they meet) to the wedding day… I am not sure if this would be Saudi Bridezilla they want to video both the men and the women and document as much as they can.

I felt like it would be a good idea to put this info up in a post and to get some feedback. The following are some of the traditional/customary things that might happen and how a man and a woman get hitched.

Bear in mind that the process I have here is mostly what goes on in Jeddah, “Saudis” as lumped by the media (and some blogs claiming to be “The Authority” on everything Saudi), are not one entity.

The following is the process I shared with the media company. What they sent me I have italicized, what I added is in regular font.

Saudi Arabia

Notes for the Engagement

Unveiling Ceremony (شوفة – shawfa): This applies more to very religious families, and those in Riyadh and the Nejd.  The families get together, and the woman unveils.  The couple sit together with their families.  They can then agree to the marriage, having met.

The shawfa, which means “the seeing” is a way for both to see each other. Some families which are more tribal do not let this happen (as the Shawfa is an Islamic thing to do). In recent times it is a way for the two to sit and talk, it is more than just a seeing, it is more a meeting of the two to see if they click and are on the same wave length. There are a few writers who made little booklets that advise on “what to ask and expect” during that meeting. If there is a mutual attraction they continue to talk on the phone or meet again. There is more to it that this… and of course less, and each family could have a different thing going on.

Engagement Contract (ملكة/نكاح – Milkah/Nikah (: There are two small-scale parties, one for men one for women.  At the men’s party, the groom the bride’s father sign the contract to make the marriage legal.  There is a reading from the Qur’an.  The engagement party is a small affair with close family.

The signature to make the marriage agreement legal is that of the bride and not her father, but for show (i.e. for the people present) the father signs, but it is as the guardian (similar to giving away one’s daughter at a Church I guess). The Mimlik is a government approved marriage (not sure what the word is but agent comes to mind). Both bride and groom can go and get their marriage recognised at the government office, but this is more customary and traditional. The Mimlik says a few words, reads a little Qur’an, says a couple prophetical sayings from prophet Mohammad, and prays for both the bride and groom, asks the father of the bride to say that he agrees that his daughter marries the guy and the guy agrees that he will marry her and cherish her and all that. The mimlik is given a fee for his services of course (a video I found on YouTube of a Mimlik earning his pay).

This would take place with many family members, relatives, and friends from both families witnessing this, but only two need to sign the marriage agreement as witnesses. They then congratulate each other. Dates, coffee, and sweets would be going around, and there would be dinner afterwards.

On the same days as the Engagement Contract, there’ll be the shabka (شبكة) at which the dowry will be presented, and the bride will be given her engagement ring, and various gifts of jewellery.

Sometimes it takes place on the same day, other times it takes place at another day, weeks or months later, it is very difficult to coordinate with all the men engaged in the men’s part of the milkah to drive the women and help with all the necessary arrangements.

Dowry: The dowry (or bride-price مهر) is an important part of marriage negotiations.  The average dowry is around 100, 000 Riyals (c.£17,000), though the poor may keep it around 20,000 Riyals (c.£3000), and the very rich may go for up to 400,000 or 500, 000 Riyals.  (£85,000).  The dowry is paid in money, rather than gold or sheep.  Cheques, cash, bank transfers etc, are all acceptable.  The size of the dowry is related to the influence and wealth of the girl’s family; the more beneficial it will be to the reputation of the boy’s side the more money they will ‘pay’ to the girl. In Islam, the dowry becomes the bride’s own property.

It is not unusual for men to marry their cousins.  This can reduce the dowry substantially, because she’s family.  [is this right?].

The dowry in Jeddah/Makkah/Medinah was never negotiated, if he and his family are wealthy then the dowry would be around the +100K riyals, but the average is around half of that. It also includes things that are not monetary like gifts of gold, perfume and incense and other things. Some rural areas also include cows and sheep as part of the dowry, but I never witnessed this.

As for cousins… I am not sure as I have no firsthand experience (nor do I have any relatives that married a cousin), but a friend of mine (who is tribal) married a cousin (a 2^nd or 3^rd degree cousin) said that his tribe had put a cap on the dowry, as it had been a problem in rural areas that dowries were too much to pay.

Thombra [is this the right word?] : A traditional party for the girl, where her friends come round and apply henna – the groom can come at the beginning for photos but then he needs to leave.  This kind of Henna Party (حفلة الحنة – haflat al-henna) is not very common in Saudi Arabia (more so in the UAE and Kuwait) but the bride will prepare herself in advance; manicures, pedicures, facials, make-up. [If a bride doesn’t have a henna party, how does she prepare herself for the wedding?]

Ghumra/Ghumrah is a henna night that is no longer a henna night, as girls no longer like the smell of henna  (it is like the queen’s birthday in Australia, which is a public holiday, but not the queen’s actual birthday) Yes the groom can come for the pictures. It used to be the day to get all made up by her friends, but now with all the modern/hip/chic saloons with specialists in all that is womanly… I do not think most would trust their friends to do them up. Ghumras can be like theme parties and are more like a costume party these days for the younger generation, and each can bring old traditions from where their family originated (Bedouin, Indian, Moroccan, themes come to mind).

There is no such thing as a men’s event as in other parts in the Middle East like Turkish baths and such, nor are there bachelor parties, but now many men’s salons do grooming of grooms and have specialized packages.

Bridal Shower: Where friends of the girl will traditionally give the girl lingerie and things for her new house.  [Does this happen a lot or is it just for the richer families? With both this and the henna party, if they are just for richer / modern families, is there something that other families will do in their place?]

Bridal showers are gaining ground I guess due to the influence of movies and westernization. However, gifts by relatives and friends are given before, during, and after the wedding, as always.

Wedding Party (حفلة الزفاف – hiflat al-zaffaf): What we understand to be the Wedding is actually the women’s party. The men might have a party the day before, but during the actually wedding day, the Groom will attend the women’s party (the women will have to cover themselves for this) and take photographs with his wife. Then the Groom will leave to meet his friends and male relatives, they don’t tend to have a big party with dancing, but they will probably have dinner.  At the party, women will take off their veils and dance, but men the do not commonly dance.

In some families, men will do traditional sword dances.  Others may not.  Meccan families often have an hour or so of entertainment with drumming and traditional dancing.

Big Weddings are quite popular nowadays.  Big weddings will have as many as 400 or 500 guests.  Sometimes even up to a 1000.  In Riyadh and Qasim it is traditional to have big wedding parties.  The girl’s side will book the venue, the boy’s side will come and photographs will be taken of the couple together, the boy’s side then leave so the girl’s side can celebrate, and they return a few hours later to eat together and cut the cake together.  The boys go off and have their own party during that time.  Weddings usually happen late at night starting at 10pm and carrying on until 3am / 4am. Some will have a mixed wedding, but this is rare.

As you have seen my video, this is something that was traditional and used to happen a lot, but for some reason it stopped for many years… now it is gaining ground, and almost everyone is doing it. What used to happen is the groom and his family and friends would walk from his neighbourhood to that of the bride, and all along there would be a “Jisees“, chanting and singing poems that say how wonderful it all is, and the groom and his family are the best and they are going to the best house and getting the prettiest girl from the best family… this was of course when cities were small in size. Now the Jisees has a big band with different packages (number of songs, dances, dancers…etc)

Clothes: The groom will wear traditional Saudi dress:  white thobe ثوب (robe), white ghutra غترة (headdress), with ‘iqal عقال (black or golden round where did u get this? Lawrence of Arabia is no longer in fashion! thing to keep ghutra on), and often a meshlah/bisht مسلح/بشت (brown or black (other colors like gray and offwhite are also in fashion. gowny coat).  Meccan men might choose to wear the Meccan ‘ammamah عمامة(yellow/orange turban), with a thobe-like garment, and sometimes a waistcoat.  The bride usually wears a white European-style wedding dress.

Honeymoon: Most rich couples (and those that can afford to take a BIG loan from a bank) go on honeymoons to Europe/the Americas.  The middle classes tend to go to places like Egypt or Singapore, and poorer sections of society often honeymoon within the kingdom, some even in their own home city.

Honeymoons are up to the individuals.  Some rich people may choose to stay in the Kingdom and some poor people take loans from banks and go on extravagant vacations.    

Timespan: In regards to how quickly they get married, it really depends on the couple.  Some people will get married quickly, others will get engaged and then wait until they have finished their studies, or if they are moving outside of Saudi Arabia they might need to prepare things abroad and so on.

Usually there is between one and six months between engagement and weddings;

More like six months to a year or more…

The men of the groom’s side and the brides side get together for the engagement party, where they have dinner and the engagement is announced

There a two wedding seasons: February – June (the cooler months) are when the rich / some of the middles classes get married.  During the hot summer months the rich tend to travel out of the country.

June – September: The middle classes and those below tend to get married in the hotter months.

I would love to hear your comments on this one, and if you could answer the poll, that would be great

[poll id="2"]